Harry Potter Has come to Hogwarts, Merlin Help us
by TheXLoonyXLunaXLovegood
Summary: When Harry Potter was eight he disappeared. Now he is back, and just in time for his first day of school, but he is definitely not what the wizarding world imagined. Join this sightly Insane Harry, and his friends as they go through their seven years of Hogwarts, That is, If Harry doesn't blow it up...
1. Prologue

**WARNING! I have absolutely no clue (Maybe just a smidgen) where this is going, Or If I will even write more, I've just had this bit stuck in my head forever and had to write it down! If I do add more I'm thinking about making it crack, don't like don't read! ****. **

Prologue

The Wizarding world had many tales about Harry Potter, some are about how he had vanquished the dark lord, others on how he was said to have more power than Merlin, and the most known was how at the age of eight he was tracked down by some death eaters to his home in the Muggle world, which in the process of trying to 'save' his relative he blew up, killing the death eaters, then disappearing with his relatives. So suffice it to say that the Wizarding world was pretty shocked when Harry Potter showed up at Hogwarts for the sorting like all the other first years. Now Dumbledore would handle telling the Wizarding world of Harrys return (or more so McGonagall would handle it) and everyone would rejoice the fact that their 'hero' was alright. But the thing was that within a single conversation with the boy, you could clearly see that he was not _alright_. He was in fact quite a strange child, some would even go so far as to say he was insane, but that may be pushing it, He just really like blowing things up… and setting them on fire... as well as talking to inanimate objects, and lord knows who introduced him to the art of practical jokes, and yes, Hogwarts was built many years ago and is still standing tall, but as far as her staff are concerned; they'll be lucky if she last a week- (let alone seven years)- with Harry Potter residing within her walls.


	2. An Owl a Letter and a Rock…

Chapter 1: An Owl a Letter and a Rock…

As far back as Harry could remember his birthdays had always been, odd… Now, having grown up with an aunt and uncle who, (For whatever reason) hated him, this was to be expected, but a few of them had always stood out to Harry. On his fifth birthday for example; his aunt had errands to run and left him and his overweight cousin, (Dudley) with their neighbor's niece. Somehow she had overheard Harry's Aunt Petunia saying something about it being his birthday and decided to make him a cake, but strangely enough, the minute she lit the candles the entire cake exploded. In his defense, Harry _had_ tried to tell her he that didn't like red velvet… And on his seventh birthday Harry, within ten minutes of waking up, started a fire in the kitchen (who knew fridges were so flammable?) and spent the rest of the week in his cupboard. Then by the time he turned eight, Harry had figured out that if he stared at something and focused hard enough, that thing would blow up! (This came in very handy when Dudley and his friends chased him) So when his uncle yelled at him for over cooking the sausages, let's just say that night Harry stared _really_ hard at the fire place… At least they only had to fix the back portion of the house (He never had a clue about the strange men in the living room). The Dursleys (Harry's Aunt and Uncle) were so terrified that when Harry told them to pack their bags, they didn't argue and within that week they had a new house in Wales, the rest of Harrys' birthdays were uneventful, and _much_ nicer. But still, if you ask him which his favorite was, he always says his eighth.

So with all that being said there was absolutely no reason for this birthday to be different, now on July 10th exactly three weeks before his eleventh birthday, all he had done was sleep in till noon, eat lunch, and go for a walk with his pet slinky on his shoulder. It was a quarter past five by the time he headed back to his Aunts' house and he only and a few more houses to pass when an Owl of all things decided to bother him. It was quite strange, as Harry couldn't recall ever seeing an owl around there before, or anywhere for that matter. But there it was, a rather chubby gray owl, just sitting there! And on _his_ shoulder of all things! Not knowing what to do, Harry stared at it, it stared back, this small exchange of staring lasted for a while until Harry took the letter that was tied to the owl's talon and it flew over to a of nearby tree.

"Thank you Bert" Harry said to the Owl, then looked down at the letter in his hands.

It had a wax seal that he tore off, and opened the envelope without bothering to read the address, and pulled out two pieces of paper, the first read;

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

_Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

_Dear Mr. H. Potter,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 1st September. We await your owl by no later than 31st July._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall Deputy Headmistress_

Harry stared at the paper in his hands with one thought, 'What on Earth is a _Supreme Mugwump_...'

_**HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY**_

**Uniform**

First-year students will require:

_1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)_

_2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear_

This as far as he got before he became bored, though slightly intrigued by the fact that there was a whole other world out there unknown to the public, and well , this simply wouldn't do! But that would have to wait another day, for right now he had to get back and show the letter to Aunt 'Tunia. Harry folded the paper and placed it in his pants pocket then continued down the street, the chubby owl following him. Soon enough he was walking up the driveway to his Aunt house.

"You can't come in." Harry told the owl "Aunt 'Tunia would throw a fit, and I don't think you'd like her screaming…"

The owl perched itself on the post box and closed one eye, as if to wink then bowed his head.

"Good." Harry said with a nod. He went inside, and upon entering the living room found Dudley watching TV.

"Have you seen Aunt 'Tunia?" Harry asked.

Dudley, who until then had been oblivious to his cousin, jumped out of his chair and turned to face him. Now Dudley was a large boy, not as large as he had been in years past though. No, back then Harry thought he look rather like a- A pig in a wig, now however he looked more like a fat blond chimpanzee. So considering his weight, jumping out of his chair was quite the accomplishment.

"Wh-when did you get here? Fr-Freak?" He said, with what Harry assumed was suppose to be an intimidating glare, that really only made him look like he was trying to use the toilet.

"When does anyone get here?" Harry said, tilting his head at his cousin "Whenever we're baked I suppose… or was it built? I forget…" has looked away, and walked towards the kitchen leaving his cousin mumbling about crazy freaks.

"Aunt 'Tunia?" said Harry as he entered the kitchen, His aunt who had been in the middle of taking a pie out of the oven jumped, much like Dudley, Though she wasn't even over weight, but rather like a stick.

"Harry! I didn't know you were back yet." She said as she made sure her pie was alright, before setting it down. She turned to look at him, with something akin to fear.

"I wasn't going to be, I was just going to put Shiny to bed then go out again, but then Bert-"

"Who?"

"Bert, He's a barn owl from Scotland, but that's not important. Bert came and gave me this." He said, handing his aunt the letter. She eyed him a moment before taking the offered paper.

Harry watched her read, noting how her eyes widened and she grew paler and paler. And finally when she was done she raised her head to look at him, then she opened her mouth as if to say something, but no words came, she closed her mouth and swallowed before trying and failing once more to speak. This went on for a while before Harry grew bored; he took the letter from her limp hands and tucked it into his pocket. Then seeing how his aunt would be no help went upstairs to his room to write a reply and put Shiny up.

Once there he skimmed over the second page, then grabbed a pen and some paper and started his reply.

_Dear Ms Deputy Headmistress._

_I have just gotten your letter, and well, I would like to know, is magic real? I showed your letter to Aunt 'Tunia and she seemed to be kinda shocked, but Bert assures me it's not fake… but then why don't the normal people know about it?_

_If it is real I would like to attend your school. But I have no way of getting my supplies, and I would also need a way to get there. Also It says students may bring an Owl a Cat or a Toad, but what Is your policy on a Rock and a slinky? I just can't imagine leaving them here._

_Please reply soon, Harry (McAwesomesause) Potter_

Harry looked down at his letter, made a few changes, drew a cartoon box of TNT and placed to into an envelope.

"There you go… Now how to get you there…?" Harry said looking at the letter, "What do you think Shiny?" Looking at the slinky sitting on his desk, Harry paused a second before nodding "Yes, I do think that will work, Thanks Shiny!"

Harry got up and ran over to the window and opened it.

"Bert! I'm done!" He yelled, getting an odd look form the Gardner across the street.

A second later the chubby owl landed on his windowsill and held out his leg for the letter. Harry tied the letter to him and stepped back.

"Take this to the Deputy Headmistress lady please! And don't let the zombies get you, thank you Bert!" 'Bert' gave Harry a questioning glance before flying off in to the sun.

Harry watched him for a moment, before walking over and flopping down on his bed. Reaching over to his night stand he grabbed an overly polished rock and held it close to him.

"Did you hear Rocky? I'm a wizard! We're going to have a lot of fun, I wonder if they teach a class on blowing stuff up?" Harry told the rock, closing his eyes to imagine what the school would be like.

That night Harry Potter drifted off to sleep dreaming about a bright green light and a strange man in a cloak hissing at him, trying to make him eat garlic, Harry didn't like that, the strange man blew up. And Harry never remembered the dream.

**A/N So yeah, My first fic... I do not have a beta, but I think I did okay...I would like to thank everyone who faved and followed this, as well as the four commentators!**

**bbfitz: Yeah I think I will!  
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**Giraffes: Thanks!**

**Ray Star Hinamori: (Feels like an idiot for not knowing what that means but is taking it as a complement!)  
**

**Fallen-Ryu: I loved your comment, it made me and my sister laugh! That would be awesome, but sadly I'm not that good of a writer! **

**Please Review! And also vote on witch house Harry should be in and Who his Friends/Enemy should be! Next chapter will be MUCH longer!  
**


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